Immersed

Here it is. Bleak mid-winter again. Well, almost I suppose. We're only in the beginning of January for God's sake so realistically we've got months ahead of us. What used to be a time for contemplation and quiet soul searching has become well.... cabin fever mania. Cabin cholera you could say. Or not. Either way my opinion of this isolation changes by the day or by the hour depending. I love the sight of the snow, the quick burn of it against my cheeks as I race out with my babes loading them up in a car packed to the roof in extra gear. I love the idea of snow shoeing with Minnow on my back and Bean being pulled along behind in a sled. I love it just as much as I love all my ideals of parenthood in Vermont. Right now Jason's fulfilling my ideal so I can sit inside with a glass of wine and a toddling (!) 8 month old by a fire. He's out there with Beanie, both of them covered head to toe in layers and layers of gortex and fleece lying in the open snowy field staring up at that perfectly star filled sky. Perhaps the wolf moon is out tonight. Perhaps I should feel a tinge of guilt for not being there but I don't. I need this moment because it's one of the few I'll get. I need it to know that they exist. That life can be quiet and reflective.

An Obvious Statement

My love for these children knows no bounds.

North South East West Here Now

Once in a while I get this feeling like I've already lived this part of life and I'm just grasping for it somewhere deep back in my memory. My kids are grown and I'm old and gray. God willing. Mostly I think this way when I'm considering where we're at right now. This house, this town, this stage of life. It's all just a marker along a time line. I think of the past nine years Jason and I have been together, the six since we moved to St. Johnsbury, the three and a half since Tessa's been born and the just over seven months since our little man has arrived. I think that all this has happened in less than a third of my life.. so far. But before that even... all my childhood moves. All the births and deaths in the family. All the holidays and trips and pets. I want to examine it all. I want to grab it and keep in under glass. I want to really remember it the way you never can. Then I realize, or wonder at really, that I'm not just that past person. That there's this whole long future ahead of me that will pass, or has passed, that I can't begin to imagine. That I'm actualizing this life right now day by day and it's no longer just mine. Maybe it never was. As much as my children's lives are my own I am my parents and they are their's and so on. There is my eternity. There is my soul... in every direction.

Intergalactic Family

So here we are all from our own individual cellular cosmos where we collected ourselves in the deep space that is the galaxy of our mother's wombs. We're here now in the warm thriving planet of our home, making sense of strangeness, of this unknown and mysterious thing we call life. Whether space explorer or wandering alien we're bound together touching the ultimate of beautiful as shared experience; learning to watch the moonrise with the collective eye of family.

Vacation Fabulation

There are one million and one subjects I'd love to rant on about but I must make up for lost picture posting time. A few weeks ago we took our two wide eyed explorers on a plane across the country to a strange land called Santa Fe. We were chaperoned by both sets of grandparents which added to the fun and was simultaneously extremely helpful. All together we stayed in a gorgeous adobe home while the homeowners made themselves comfortable in our New England digs. The miracle and mystery of homeexchange. Well we took about 700 pictures I believe, I'll try and limit myself to my favorite few.

Que Cera Cera

New beginnings for us all these days. Jason began a great new job that allows him to tap into all of his restauranteur skills thus making for a happier daddy and so a happier family. Longer hours -yes, more rewarding life -yup, sacrifice from all sides -sure. But when do we not sacrifice one aspect of our lives for another? This balancing act is really all there is, right? So congrats daddy!

Bean began going to pre-school. Hurray! She loves it; her teachers, her friends, the unlimited supply of paint and play-doh and sand. Her best friend so far is Sam, or Crocodile whom we think is Sam but may be an i-m-a-g-i-n-a-r-y friend as well. Sam and Bean have been asked to refrain from kissing eachother constantly so perhaps this should go down as another first. So soon! School is a limited time of two days a week for three and a half hours at a time. It's funny but I'm not sure what to do with myself. Last week and yesterday I cleaned and organized like a madwoman but after seeing how quickly it all got wrecked my bubble of energy sprung a leak. The house is so quiet without my three year old singer-song writer here to liven things up. I start to really miss her just about the time I'm due to pick her up which I always do a few minutes early. I can't help it. I'm lost without my little guiding star, who else will tell me what we're supposed to be doing at every moment of the day?

This time does allow me a little more one on one with mon petit chou. He's such an old soul with his brow alternating between concentration and belwilderment. Which I've come to believe are the only possible ways to take this world in. He's sitting up a bit these days, grabbing for everything (especially hair be it mine or his sister's curly bird's nest), he wants water desperately which I've given to him for the first time this morning. He likes his mama's milk but he's not the insatiable devourer his sister was. There was not a time or occasion she would turn down the boob but this new guy not so much. He'll eat when he's hungry but if he's mad about something he would prefer if you would kindly not shove it in his face. His likes are being held, going for walks (being held), smiling at new faces (while being held) and grabbing at new things (but only if you're holding him). To give a little credit where credit is due he enjoys sitting up by himself for about 5 minutes a day (yay!). His dislikes consist of being put down. Yup, that's about it. Stroller, carseat, bouncy seat, swing, any contraption of any kind what-so-ever forgetaboutit. But Dr. Sears does try and soothe my sore back with kind words that these days of constant connection do indicate a greater likelihood of developing deep and meaningful relationships in the future. Hmm... I wonder who funded that study?

Ah, yes. Livet er ikke lett, bare fantastisk. Life is not easy, only fantastic.

Unphotographed Moments

Minnow three days old. Bean: "Don't worry Minnow I'll always be there for you."

Dutton's berry fields. Bean covered in raspberry and blueberry juice and seeds holding out the quart for me. Me, kneeling behind blueberry bush, one arm cradling a nursing Minnow, the other picking away.

Dancing with Minnow to Greg Brown's "Two Little Feet" and crying on a beautiful late afternoon in August.... "it's a messed up world but I love it anyway.... gonna stay right here with you baby and kiss you to a good dream..."

All four of us having a picnic under the hatch of the subaru during a downpour rain and thunderstorm in Manchester on Jason's lunch break. Our legs getting soaked by the drops, Minnow laughing, Bean climbing back and forth, back and forth.

And a moment alone... Hamilton Falls, Jenn and I hike up to the top where there's a bowl cut out in the rock, water streaming in, pooling and then spilling out over the edge. We have to climb down a metal ladder into the ice water, jump in at the end and look out over the edge to trees across the way. A few hundred feet down are our families, our husbands, our children... We can't see them but we feel them waiting. So we shiver, pause for an extra moment of solitude and quiet and rush back up the ladder, ready to run down the steep, slippery path back to our lives.