An Obvious Statement

My love for these children knows no bounds.

North South East West Here Now

Once in a while I get this feeling like I've already lived this part of life and I'm just grasping for it somewhere deep back in my memory. My kids are grown and I'm old and gray. God willing. Mostly I think this way when I'm considering where we're at right now. This house, this town, this stage of life. It's all just a marker along a time line. I think of the past nine years Jason and I have been together, the six since we moved to St. Johnsbury, the three and a half since Tessa's been born and the just over seven months since our little man has arrived. I think that all this has happened in less than a third of my life.. so far. But before that even... all my childhood moves. All the births and deaths in the family. All the holidays and trips and pets. I want to examine it all. I want to grab it and keep in under glass. I want to really remember it the way you never can. Then I realize, or wonder at really, that I'm not just that past person. That there's this whole long future ahead of me that will pass, or has passed, that I can't begin to imagine. That I'm actualizing this life right now day by day and it's no longer just mine. Maybe it never was. As much as my children's lives are my own I am my parents and they are their's and so on. There is my eternity. There is my soul... in every direction.

Intergalactic Family

So here we are all from our own individual cellular cosmos where we collected ourselves in the deep space that is the galaxy of our mother's wombs. We're here now in the warm thriving planet of our home, making sense of strangeness, of this unknown and mysterious thing we call life. Whether space explorer or wandering alien we're bound together touching the ultimate of beautiful as shared experience; learning to watch the moonrise with the collective eye of family.

Vacation Fabulation

There are one million and one subjects I'd love to rant on about but I must make up for lost picture posting time. A few weeks ago we took our two wide eyed explorers on a plane across the country to a strange land called Santa Fe. We were chaperoned by both sets of grandparents which added to the fun and was simultaneously extremely helpful. All together we stayed in a gorgeous adobe home while the homeowners made themselves comfortable in our New England digs. The miracle and mystery of homeexchange. Well we took about 700 pictures I believe, I'll try and limit myself to my favorite few.

Que Cera Cera

New beginnings for us all these days. Jason began a great new job that allows him to tap into all of his restauranteur skills thus making for a happier daddy and so a happier family. Longer hours -yes, more rewarding life -yup, sacrifice from all sides -sure. But when do we not sacrifice one aspect of our lives for another? This balancing act is really all there is, right? So congrats daddy!

Bean began going to pre-school. Hurray! She loves it; her teachers, her friends, the unlimited supply of paint and play-doh and sand. Her best friend so far is Sam, or Crocodile whom we think is Sam but may be an i-m-a-g-i-n-a-r-y friend as well. Sam and Bean have been asked to refrain from kissing eachother constantly so perhaps this should go down as another first. So soon! School is a limited time of two days a week for three and a half hours at a time. It's funny but I'm not sure what to do with myself. Last week and yesterday I cleaned and organized like a madwoman but after seeing how quickly it all got wrecked my bubble of energy sprung a leak. The house is so quiet without my three year old singer-song writer here to liven things up. I start to really miss her just about the time I'm due to pick her up which I always do a few minutes early. I can't help it. I'm lost without my little guiding star, who else will tell me what we're supposed to be doing at every moment of the day?

This time does allow me a little more one on one with mon petit chou. He's such an old soul with his brow alternating between concentration and belwilderment. Which I've come to believe are the only possible ways to take this world in. He's sitting up a bit these days, grabbing for everything (especially hair be it mine or his sister's curly bird's nest), he wants water desperately which I've given to him for the first time this morning. He likes his mama's milk but he's not the insatiable devourer his sister was. There was not a time or occasion she would turn down the boob but this new guy not so much. He'll eat when he's hungry but if he's mad about something he would prefer if you would kindly not shove it in his face. His likes are being held, going for walks (being held), smiling at new faces (while being held) and grabbing at new things (but only if you're holding him). To give a little credit where credit is due he enjoys sitting up by himself for about 5 minutes a day (yay!). His dislikes consist of being put down. Yup, that's about it. Stroller, carseat, bouncy seat, swing, any contraption of any kind what-so-ever forgetaboutit. But Dr. Sears does try and soothe my sore back with kind words that these days of constant connection do indicate a greater likelihood of developing deep and meaningful relationships in the future. Hmm... I wonder who funded that study?

Ah, yes. Livet er ikke lett, bare fantastisk. Life is not easy, only fantastic.

Unphotographed Moments

Minnow three days old. Bean: "Don't worry Minnow I'll always be there for you."

Dutton's berry fields. Bean covered in raspberry and blueberry juice and seeds holding out the quart for me. Me, kneeling behind blueberry bush, one arm cradling a nursing Minnow, the other picking away.

Dancing with Minnow to Greg Brown's "Two Little Feet" and crying on a beautiful late afternoon in August.... "it's a messed up world but I love it anyway.... gonna stay right here with you baby and kiss you to a good dream..."

All four of us having a picnic under the hatch of the subaru during a downpour rain and thunderstorm in Manchester on Jason's lunch break. Our legs getting soaked by the drops, Minnow laughing, Bean climbing back and forth, back and forth.

And a moment alone... Hamilton Falls, Jenn and I hike up to the top where there's a bowl cut out in the rock, water streaming in, pooling and then spilling out over the edge. We have to climb down a metal ladder into the ice water, jump in at the end and look out over the edge to trees across the way. A few hundred feet down are our families, our husbands, our children... We can't see them but we feel them waiting. So we shiver, pause for an extra moment of solitude and quiet and rush back up the ladder, ready to run down the steep, slippery path back to our lives.

You Say Hello and I Say... Hello Hello!

Such a wonderfully busy summer we're having. Such great weekend trips away and special visits from all sorts of lovely people. So great that even though nothing changes but the weather we are given such permission to act like we're on vacation for three months of the year.

Pupas

So we've been listening to the Moth Radio Hour and getting some old timey entertainment in. Listening to others tell their unscripted, true stories makes me feel so connected to the world. It's such a basic human desire... to share, to listen, to give and take and feed each others' souls some humorous/tragic/incredible pieces of ourselves. To nourish with spoken words. I can't wait to hear Beanie and Minnow's stories, to be privilege to the making of their book, to be a part of it. I hope these short passages and pictures help them recall a happy beginning, a quiet feeling out to the world, if only buried deep in their cortex.

Summer time and the livin is...

While the livin may not be easy exactly it is a brilliant swirl of sun and dirt and river and beautiful young blue eyes soaking up this technicolor dreamy world. Here Sunday morn, picnic packed, swimsuits on, ready for another waterfall, another farmer's market. It's sweet and tangy and I'm already enjoying the aftertaste before I've even bitten down. The days go by while I plan the weekends and the weeks fly by with only a few pictures to serve as incomplete memory. All we have before we tuck in is the light scent of wet towel, lingering dirt in curly blonde hair, the stickiness of breastmilk coating our clothes, our sheets, our bodies.

Dreams and Arms

I've just been reading through my last blog, the neq, going over our first few months with Beanie and it's made me kind of sad. Sad in a kind of way I didn't expect to be. Sad that I don't have the time to write about Minnow's new beginnings, sad that I don't have the same energy or mind space to give to him. Even now, upstairs in the dark, him sleeping next to me, the weekend here at last... it all feels rushed and too hard. I can't get a moment in with him without feeling like I'm neglecting Bean. She tries to help constantly which doesn't always turn out to really be a help. It turns into him crying and her crying louder. At these times I'm frozen. I can't move or speak and I feel this look of pathetic resignation come over my face. I feel old and tired. I often give myself a few minutes in this state then close my eyes, breathe deeply and smile. I tell myself this is ridiculous and I make the situation funny and absurd in my head. Which it is in a sick kind of way. Neither of them are hurt or really suffering they just want more of me than there is. It's fine, that's what we all want from our mothers really. I just have to pretend there is more of me to give. I have to go along with this game and at the end of those long, long days realize the weeks and the months and the years are passing. I don't want to wish them away. I want to freeze the moments where we're all together and warm. I want to watch us sleep from somewhere outside my body. All four of us in bed... Jason, Bean, Me and Minnow... unconsciously whole. Dreams and arms and legs tangled up and living, passing hours silent but for our hearts and mouths sharing the same air for a few short years. My lovies are growing whether the days are difficult or easy. They just go by. All I can do is try and record them.

Living La Vida Tired

Bean is napping for the first time in days and so of course as fate would have it Minnow is wide awake. This being his normal (if anything can be considered normal yet) afternoon sleepy time. Last night was incredible in that he slept from 10 pm till 5 am - straight! Eureka! Although I can't seem to start dreaming till midnight I was overcome with energy by 6 am after an hour of seeing how far I could push my luck and get him back to sleep before Bean opened her eyes. As if on cue he shut his little eyes tight right as she groggily rolled over to first Jason and then me asking and soon pleading to get up and eat breakfast. Since I have a hard time denying my children nourishment when they ask for it I was up and have been since, siestas no longer being an option in my day. I know I should be grateful they're both sleeping as much as they are, and I am. I just like to make note of this so that in two or three or ten years when I read this over I'll better appreciate the king size bed that has just two bodies in it rather than four. Let's hope.

Y?

Home in my golden mustard colored bedroom alone with my son. The sun doesn't come through the windows this time of day. It skips over the street and breaks into the trees across the road. It seems strange that I don't know those woods and I wonder if I ever will. A robin flies into the front door window repeatedly. It's sickening, the thud. I suppose it thinks it's being all heroic and macho fighting off a very determined foe. I'm convinced it's a male and this frankly ridiculous behavior is innate. It worries me. I watch my sweet and gentle daughter play doctor over and over and kiss her baby brother (somewhat) softly first thing in the morning and last thing at night and I wonder how different they will be. I see crazy crazy kids out there (boys and girls) bashing each other and screaming for the sake of screaming and I think thank God I've got off lucky. Beanie has her two and a half year old tendencies, her tantrums are fairly regular these days but still she's just so gentle. She's so cuddly and loving and I melt when I put her down for a nap and she smiles as she drifts off almost nose to nose with me holding both my hands. And now, my secret fear of the Y chromosome is exposed. Looking down at Minnow, his soft little breaths, his animal squeals, his sweet cry.... it seems so un-masculine. How do I keep him this way? How do I stop the world from corrupting this perfect being into thinking he needs to be more than just a body of love? Is it possible to keep him from flying again and again into hard glass to prove himself? Can my nurture mold him as much as nature? He is surrounded by sensitive yet strong men (or strongly sensitive men? haha) so I'm holding my hopes high.

My World is Now Complete

My family is all here.... and now life begins again....