To Hens and Health

Tessa called Saturday our "first farm day" and although we're a far cry from actual farming I think we're all  experiencing a renewed sense of commitment to the well being of our family health. I want these kids to feel connected to where their food comes from year round, not just through the occassional farmer's market where we buy a few greens here and there and maybe some maple syrup and then guiltily head to Hannaford's for the deals. I am a farmer's market fiend but the obsessive penny pincher in me can not pay $5 for a tomato and even Jason has a hard time dishing out so much dough for meat. I've started plants way too early with high hopes that our third gardening season will  reap more than a few handfulls of arugala. To ensure some kind of home grown food we've started with chickens, Jason's planning the sheep pen and Tessa's got cows and horses tallied up in her mind but as far as I'm concerned a dog, a cat, five chickens, two wild younguns and two aging dreamers fill this patch of eden well enough for the moment.

Minnow Turns Two

And now you're two! I absolutely can not believe it. When we woke up this morning, or when you woke me up this morning with a measuring spoon in one hand and a bottle of children's tylonel in the other, I thought what an amazing person you are. My little Thatcher, so ready to take care of yourself, to let your needs be known even before you can speak. There's a clarity in you, in your sense of the world and what you need from it that radiates from you. Yes, you get frustrated with us. I can't imagine how silly we seem sometimes, talking and talking, spewing out all sorts of words and still not understanding you sometimes. We're all getting there though, you're showing us how everyday. Tonight we "wow"ed back and forth until we were both laughing so hard, your sense of humor is so rich, your smile so contagious.
This day two years ago was one of the best and clearest days of my life. You pushed your way into this world in just over an hour, you came faster than anyone expected and the mid-wife had to come running just to make it in time. I'll always remember that minutes before you were born I called out "it's a boy!". I just knew it, I knew you already. I feel like we've known eachother much longer than these quick two years. When you fall asleep in my shirt, when you lead me around by my hand, when you hug my neck so tight it's like you've been doing it all for thousands of years.
So today we played it easy, just the four of us. We flew a kite, read books at the bookshop, got chickens (!) and celebrated with strawberry shortcake. Another perfect and luxuriously simple day to kick off a great year. Happy Birthday my Minnow.

A Year

So it's been a year. I don't know if I have the words to explain what it is that I'm feeling. The normalcy that has set in day by day is unsettling. It feels wrong to let her be gone. To move on. But what else? I've stopped crying daily, obsessing, wondering who everyone else's "Kristin" would be. A sick game I play with myself to feel ok in this anger. That other people would ache this bad if their soul sister left. And I am angry. I let myself really feel it yesterday for the first time in ages and it scared me to pieces. I was literally drowning in it. I escaped to the woods to gasp for air and plopped down imagining myself chopping down the entire forest. The rage was so foreign and terrifying. I was so lost that when I came back in I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I curled up in bed, closed curtains, my children calling for me from downstairs, Jason making dinner, trying to keep them from being scared of the look of me, sheltering them from my despair.

Today was different. We all spent the day together. Walking quietly through the woods, running errands, driving backroads, making dinner. I tried not to sink in while allowing myself to feel her presence. She wants me to be happy. To be a good mother. To live the life we imagined we'd be living as mothers when we dreamed of it years ago. Even in our wildest days we dreamt of this life. A simple one that included woods and babies. Some animals! Chickens perhaps... So here I am... living it. And there she is in the wind....