For the past let's see nearly four years I've had to defend my staunch stance opposing the cry it out method. To be fair we tried a whole two nights with Tessa when she was about 8 months old but I think both nights lasted about 20 minutes when neither Jason nor I could take her shrieking, scared, lonely, confused cries anymore. I try and not judge anyone else's child raising tactics since we all do what we feel is best for our own children and our own sanity. Last week I couldn't take it anymore. After an entire day of a cranky fussing toddler clinging to my legs to be picked up and then squirming out of my arms to be let down over and over I brought him into the guest room downstairs, gently (and truly not out of anger but somewhat sadly and with more than a touch of resignation) I placed my dear boy in his un-used crib, kissed him on his forehead and walked out of the room.
Needless to say he cried. But he did not wail. He cried for a good 25 minutes until I once again lost my nerve and returned to him whereupon he cried louder and more angrily than he had the entire time he was alone. He was exhausted and bitter but he clung to me, scratching my face and pulling my hair. Drenching me in tears and snot and guilt. We tried again the next night for another 20 minutes and collectively decided as a family that this was not for us. Tessa was more than a bit relieved I think. She was very anxious to be of help to her traumatized brother.
So how is it 9:53 pm and I am alone upstairs watching a peacefully slumbering baby on a monitor and writing this all? A few nights of compromise. A little nursing, a little crying but with mama in the room holding on from the other side of the crib rail, turns rocking and then battery operated sounds of a recorded wave breaking over and over onto that static-y beach.
This space is so new, it's empty too but open and full of fresh air. A kind of peaceful air that comes with knowing I have time to myself to type a few words. To step into my own head and then go back to bed with them. Sweet dreams...
