Not Working

Get a job you lazy mom. That phrase repeats itself over and over in my head the past few days. Specifically since 8:15 Wednesday morning when I walked both kids off at full day school. Thatcher and I woke simultaneously to the sound of our own internal clocks chiming at exactly 7:01 am. His was a cheerful ting ting ting while mine an anxiety laden shrill pulsating through my brain. I leapt from the bed and into the shower, Thatcher leapt onto Tessa's not yet ready morning face squealing with joy "it's a school day!". When she came too they were both elated, actually making their own bed and getting dressed in their laid out clothes. I packed their lunches frantically, one hand not knowing how to work efficiently with the other, my brain a jumbled mess. We managed a number of adorable pictures to post on Facebook, proof that they had been sufficiently groomed and donned in proper first day attire to be awarded with a few dozen congratulatory thumbs up.
And then they were off, like crickets they bounced down the path to the woods. At the door of the school they greeted their friends, Thatcher seemed slightly timid for a split second and then recovered     looking to his big sister for a little eye contact support. They hugged me, barely, and I disappeared back through the woods.
Here, at home, it's so quiet. People call and ask how I'll spend all this free time and it frightens me. I don't know how to have free time any more. It's been seven years since I've had nearly entire days to myself. Of course there's all the things I've been doing while the kids are here.. the bills, the grocery shopping, cleaning, dishes, laundry, mowing the lawn, going to the dump, changing over the apartment, taking the car to get fixed, taking Percy to the groomers, painting the kitchen, you know... Life. But somehow it doesn't feel like it's enough. The most difficult part of the tasks has been taken away, entertaining and keeping alive the kids. That was the number one job, all the rest was a circus act.
So I've been thinking about, looking and applying for jobs but the criteria I have come up with is limiting. I do not want to have the kids in after school programs every day, I don't want them in day cares during holiday weeks, I don't want to send them to camp all summer long. I still want to make them my number one job. I still want to prioritize money after children. If I had a specific dream or enriching work life it would be different but I don't and I'm ok with that right now. But the rest of the world doesn't seem to be. I know I'm feeling this pressure, this radiating anxiety because of the way I feel perceived. If I'm not career oriented or at the very least making money I must be a free loader. But what about all the jobs I'm doing for the family (not to mention the money I make from the apartment and waitressing)? As I was mowing the lawn and loading old box springs and garbage into the car I was going as fast as I could. I was thinking about all the odd jobs I had to do today and how I would rattle them off when Jason got home to prove that I am paying my way! What a ridiculous thing to feel I thought next and how truly I actually feel it.
It might be easier to get a job as a lunch lady just so I can say there, that's what I'm doing with my time, see!? Here's a piddly paycheck to prove my worth in society. Because that is what this society cares about, here are days and times that you should be generating an income, work more than that? Even better. These are the guidelines, follow them or be forever lazy. I've got just over two hours until the children return and my worth can be restored, I should go be seen being productive should someone think I'm wasting life blogging.