A Bit of Melodrama...

Survival Skills by Kay Ryan

Here is the virtue
in not looking up
you will be the one
who finds the overhang
out of the sun
and something for a cup.
You will rethink meat;
you will know you have
to eat and will eat.
Despair and hope
you keep remote. You will not
think much about the boat
that sank or other boats.
When you can, you sleep.
You can go on nearly forever.
If you are ever delivered
you are not delivered.
You know now, you were
always a survivor.

..........................................................................

Now, I'm really truly not comparing motherhood to being shipwrecked or insinuating my life is straught with substantial difficulty and that I am, in essence, a survivor of something more than the common cold but..... Damn. This is hard. (I always feel the need to tag on "but I love it!" to a statement like that. My mother guilt kicking in full effect, like admitting hardship means not taking pleasure in every single moment equals bad mom. The same way my mom says "just kidding!" when she slips that things might not be perfectly peachy. It's in our genes.)

Well these days I'm overflowing with honest to goodness exhaustion. These days are not long they are endless. This season is not difficult it is impossible. I do, I hate winter this year. I hate the sickness that circles our home and paralyzes our lives. I hate the negative degree weather that I can't step foot out in. I hate the three feet deep snow with it's ice crunch crust that traps me six feet into the backyard. I hate the two foot long icicles dangling from our roof daring us to step forth. But more than the weather I hate being a wimp. I hated more than anything being sick this week and helpless. I hated calling Jason and begging and then demanding he come home and help (and then hanging up. He did come home.) I hate watching these babies get sick every month. I hate being negative when I'm generally a hardcore look on the bright side-er. The sun will come and melt this snow (and this frozen unenthusiastic heart) and I will walk! Walk for god's sake outdoors again. For now I survive it. Keep my head down if only to lay my chin on top of a perfect little head. Or two.