Vacation Fabulation

There are one million and one subjects I'd love to rant on about but I must make up for lost picture posting time. A few weeks ago we took our two wide eyed explorers on a plane across the country to a strange land called Santa Fe. We were chaperoned by both sets of grandparents which added to the fun and was simultaneously extremely helpful. All together we stayed in a gorgeous adobe home while the homeowners made themselves comfortable in our New England digs. The miracle and mystery of homeexchange. Well we took about 700 pictures I believe, I'll try and limit myself to my favorite few.

Que Cera Cera

New beginnings for us all these days. Jason began a great new job that allows him to tap into all of his restauranteur skills thus making for a happier daddy and so a happier family. Longer hours -yes, more rewarding life -yup, sacrifice from all sides -sure. But when do we not sacrifice one aspect of our lives for another? This balancing act is really all there is, right? So congrats daddy!

Bean began going to pre-school. Hurray! She loves it; her teachers, her friends, the unlimited supply of paint and play-doh and sand. Her best friend so far is Sam, or Crocodile whom we think is Sam but may be an i-m-a-g-i-n-a-r-y friend as well. Sam and Bean have been asked to refrain from kissing eachother constantly so perhaps this should go down as another first. So soon! School is a limited time of two days a week for three and a half hours at a time. It's funny but I'm not sure what to do with myself. Last week and yesterday I cleaned and organized like a madwoman but after seeing how quickly it all got wrecked my bubble of energy sprung a leak. The house is so quiet without my three year old singer-song writer here to liven things up. I start to really miss her just about the time I'm due to pick her up which I always do a few minutes early. I can't help it. I'm lost without my little guiding star, who else will tell me what we're supposed to be doing at every moment of the day?

This time does allow me a little more one on one with mon petit chou. He's such an old soul with his brow alternating between concentration and belwilderment. Which I've come to believe are the only possible ways to take this world in. He's sitting up a bit these days, grabbing for everything (especially hair be it mine or his sister's curly bird's nest), he wants water desperately which I've given to him for the first time this morning. He likes his mama's milk but he's not the insatiable devourer his sister was. There was not a time or occasion she would turn down the boob but this new guy not so much. He'll eat when he's hungry but if he's mad about something he would prefer if you would kindly not shove it in his face. His likes are being held, going for walks (being held), smiling at new faces (while being held) and grabbing at new things (but only if you're holding him). To give a little credit where credit is due he enjoys sitting up by himself for about 5 minutes a day (yay!). His dislikes consist of being put down. Yup, that's about it. Stroller, carseat, bouncy seat, swing, any contraption of any kind what-so-ever forgetaboutit. But Dr. Sears does try and soothe my sore back with kind words that these days of constant connection do indicate a greater likelihood of developing deep and meaningful relationships in the future. Hmm... I wonder who funded that study?

Ah, yes. Livet er ikke lett, bare fantastisk. Life is not easy, only fantastic.

Unphotographed Moments

Minnow three days old. Bean: "Don't worry Minnow I'll always be there for you."

Dutton's berry fields. Bean covered in raspberry and blueberry juice and seeds holding out the quart for me. Me, kneeling behind blueberry bush, one arm cradling a nursing Minnow, the other picking away.

Dancing with Minnow to Greg Brown's "Two Little Feet" and crying on a beautiful late afternoon in August.... "it's a messed up world but I love it anyway.... gonna stay right here with you baby and kiss you to a good dream..."

All four of us having a picnic under the hatch of the subaru during a downpour rain and thunderstorm in Manchester on Jason's lunch break. Our legs getting soaked by the drops, Minnow laughing, Bean climbing back and forth, back and forth.

And a moment alone... Hamilton Falls, Jenn and I hike up to the top where there's a bowl cut out in the rock, water streaming in, pooling and then spilling out over the edge. We have to climb down a metal ladder into the ice water, jump in at the end and look out over the edge to trees across the way. A few hundred feet down are our families, our husbands, our children... We can't see them but we feel them waiting. So we shiver, pause for an extra moment of solitude and quiet and rush back up the ladder, ready to run down the steep, slippery path back to our lives.

You Say Hello and I Say... Hello Hello!

Such a wonderfully busy summer we're having. Such great weekend trips away and special visits from all sorts of lovely people. So great that even though nothing changes but the weather we are given such permission to act like we're on vacation for three months of the year.

Pupas

So we've been listening to the Moth Radio Hour and getting some old timey entertainment in. Listening to others tell their unscripted, true stories makes me feel so connected to the world. It's such a basic human desire... to share, to listen, to give and take and feed each others' souls some humorous/tragic/incredible pieces of ourselves. To nourish with spoken words. I can't wait to hear Beanie and Minnow's stories, to be privilege to the making of their book, to be a part of it. I hope these short passages and pictures help them recall a happy beginning, a quiet feeling out to the world, if only buried deep in their cortex.

Summer time and the livin is...

While the livin may not be easy exactly it is a brilliant swirl of sun and dirt and river and beautiful young blue eyes soaking up this technicolor dreamy world. Here Sunday morn, picnic packed, swimsuits on, ready for another waterfall, another farmer's market. It's sweet and tangy and I'm already enjoying the aftertaste before I've even bitten down. The days go by while I plan the weekends and the weeks fly by with only a few pictures to serve as incomplete memory. All we have before we tuck in is the light scent of wet towel, lingering dirt in curly blonde hair, the stickiness of breastmilk coating our clothes, our sheets, our bodies.

Dreams and Arms

I've just been reading through my last blog, the neq, going over our first few months with Beanie and it's made me kind of sad. Sad in a kind of way I didn't expect to be. Sad that I don't have the time to write about Minnow's new beginnings, sad that I don't have the same energy or mind space to give to him. Even now, upstairs in the dark, him sleeping next to me, the weekend here at last... it all feels rushed and too hard. I can't get a moment in with him without feeling like I'm neglecting Bean. She tries to help constantly which doesn't always turn out to really be a help. It turns into him crying and her crying louder. At these times I'm frozen. I can't move or speak and I feel this look of pathetic resignation come over my face. I feel old and tired. I often give myself a few minutes in this state then close my eyes, breathe deeply and smile. I tell myself this is ridiculous and I make the situation funny and absurd in my head. Which it is in a sick kind of way. Neither of them are hurt or really suffering they just want more of me than there is. It's fine, that's what we all want from our mothers really. I just have to pretend there is more of me to give. I have to go along with this game and at the end of those long, long days realize the weeks and the months and the years are passing. I don't want to wish them away. I want to freeze the moments where we're all together and warm. I want to watch us sleep from somewhere outside my body. All four of us in bed... Jason, Bean, Me and Minnow... unconsciously whole. Dreams and arms and legs tangled up and living, passing hours silent but for our hearts and mouths sharing the same air for a few short years. My lovies are growing whether the days are difficult or easy. They just go by. All I can do is try and record them.