Just Here...

Frigid days on lockdown. Cabin fever set in weeks ago and plans to escape have been foiled time and again by these utterly obnoxious bugs plaguing our bellies.  Thatcher has seen the worst of it, going on nearly two weeks of night time pukes and day time general discomfort. I've been afraid to even think of going to the doctor's office. Ugh. The zillions of bacteria covering every square inch of that place makes me cringe. I've succumbed out of desperation. My only real concern is that he's getting dehydrated which apparently is quite dangerous.
Meanwhile Tessa's been managing to stay mostly healthy and still have 3 day school weeks. Today we're all set for a play date but I can tell she misses her routine. I love living in a tiny village sometimes even though we feign boredom and restless life syndrome we recognize some super sweet perks. On Tuesdays the school buses the younger grades to Stratton Rec for snowshoeing, ice skating and sledding followed by hot chocolate while the older kids go skiing. I love that they bring them outside often three times a day for long periods and that younger and older kids are paired together for reading and writing. I love that she has the same teacher for two years in a row, that the school only has 69 kids in it and that it's a 5 minute walk through the woods to get there. I love that when I pick her up the teachers are often sledding down the hill with the kids and when she leaves with me kids in sixth grade are yelling "bye Tessa!".  I love that she's learning to read and write and that she made up her own menu all by herself for her bistro yesterday. The coffee was super cheap and delicious!
So another long day inside, making art, cleaning, rearranging, cooking, overall being a very domestic mama. It might feel small and secluded sometimes but then again would I really want it any other way? I'm thinking of making a fire, sipping some coffee and counting my blessings. Maybe I'll catch some vitamin D through the window. Who knows? The possibilites are endless...

To Hope For and To Leave Behind

 

A roaring fire, a glass of wine, Emmy Lou Harris and happy, giggling kids upstairs. It's a lovely way to end the old year. We had happy hour, just me and the kids; concocted some new dips, threw together some pantry finds and made up our lists for hopes and things to leave behind. Tessa would like to play shark more, to ride horses more, to learn an instrument perhaps a quitar she said.  Thatcher would like to go on a plane and learn to snowboard.  Tessa would like to leave behind regular Chex for the sake of cinnamin Chex, she would like to get more oppurtunities to love and care for animals. Thatcher, I believe, would like more chances to tell us what he would like.

My list was pretty simple:
1. Focus: on dreams, aspirations, projects.
2. Patience: for kids, for life, for myself.
3. A clearer voice: speak the truth, let my true needs be spoken.
4. Playfulness:  laugh more, pay attention and learn from silliness.
5. Prioritize: stop repeating days, live....

I can't recall all the things I burnt up on the paper of things to leave behind but I know judgement and comparison were pretty high and I know that list was too easy to come up with. Tessa added "busy-ness" and "vacuuming".  Hmmm. Priorities....

I'm not sure how to look at this year yet. Personally, I think it was pretty decent. It started out rocky, Jason and I had a hard time figuring out the balance between our jobs and what they meant to us personally. His is full of obligation and stress but also creativeness and an environment he thrives in. Mine is about having time to breathe, to make some extra cash to not feel guilty of my desires and also to be a person outside of "momhood". We're still working on it. I got a tattoo, my first at the age of 30, which was exciting and exhilarating and also seemed kind of odd.  It's a work in progress but it makes me feel like there's this artistic thing I'm developing and changing that's solely my own.  There were great trips to Rockport, Newport, Boothbay Harbor, Jason's big birthday in Burke, Tessa started kindergarten, Thatcher's big bash of a party, Cousin's weekend, the now annual Thanksgiving fiesta extravaganza, the arrival of chickens and the dimished flock (now down to one hardy soul), Tessa's riding lessons, my first trip away from the family ever to Chicago with my mom, Thatcher's speech therapy.... It's been a whirlwind that I can hardly recall in detail. Maybe my memory is not what it used to be, maybe the world is turning faster, maybe we're packing more in. Maybe it's just been a great year and we'll leave it at that. Maybe another year is coming and we'll just walk into it with hope and love and we'll be ok.

Sprites and Spirits

 

I feel like they more than just love eachother. They get eachother. Thatcher's not talking yet but Tessa knows exactly what he means, she's his voice often. And yes, she sometimes resents it, they head butt and pinch and have screaming matches but mostly they're just buddies. They make eachother laugh. They whisper to eachother in the car, play hide and go seek, tonight they put a whole puzzle together. Tonight I watched Brother Bear with them, a mostly ridiculous Disney movie I picked up at a tag sale over the summer and had to fast forward through one third of. But it was based upon Native American spirituality and it got us into some deep, heady bedtime conversations. The nature of spirit, our calling in life, etc.  I came to realize the how true their middle names seem to ring for the two of them. Tessa Cairn, her natural ability to guide, her wiseness and how clear she sees things, how defnitive her path can be at any given moment. Thatcher Espen, Divine Bear, a growling spirit, so present and literally growling! He seems to take up more space than his physical body allows. He charges headfirst into everything. They're both so whatever they are it doesn't matter. They're them, names or not.

Enough

Night time. The only time I ever feel able to get a thought out. The tendency seems to be perched between two beings, breathing in turn, glowing in the light of the computer screen. Yes, they're still in my bed. Jason's got his own now in the guest room. I imagine someday soon we'll all grow out of this phase, I even plan it out from time to time. They may actually have a  room of their own! Most likely we'll just give up ours for them to share. That way I can sneak back in because of course I'm the one enabling it all. But what a magical time it is to spend, hearing Tessa spell her friends names out in slurred sleepy whispers or make letters in  the air as she dreams.
They're both getting so big. Growing so fast. Tessa's steadfast love of animals does not falter, it encompasses her life daily, what she talks about, how she looks at the world, what she looks for in it. She's also obsessed with learning her letters, how to read, addition. Thatcher is half bear. He still doesn't have much of a vocabulary but he growls and lets us know exactly what he needs. He loves Tessa and tells me he misses her while she's at school. She lets him into her world almost always. Calls to him. Shares her imaginary games. They understand each other and it makes me so happy.
There's no real reason for this entry. No significant summation of my days I've come to. No enlightened thought. I'm just happy at the moment I suppose. And that should always be enough.

Holding Together While Letting Go (a little)

 

So there she goes again. Off to school but like a full time job. Five full days a week away from home, her brother, her pets.... and me! Oh, I'm holding together by a thread. I've stayed busy by cleaning and baking and entertaining Thatcher to a miniscule degree of what he's used to. Just last night Tessa said, "Thatcher's my best friend in the world! He does everything I tell him to!". Hmm. Sweet, telling and a little scary that it's her idea of what it means to be a best friend. They are though. They rough house and chase, pretend, race, clobber, create and bath together. They are inseperable.

 

Until school just seperated them. Part of me feels evil for it. Like I've disrupted a beautiful, healthy relationship by sending her off to the unknown world of cliques and secrets, tattletales and bullies. There are parts of that school world I hate. Parts that I feel like can really destroy a person's self esteem. But there's also the beauty of meeting difference. A strange new world of people with different backgrounds, different sounding names, different ways of playing. Who knows what she'll pick up from it, hopefully it will be good things like patience and the true qualities of a great friendship. Qualities no one could ever teach her by telling because they'll be specific to her.

 

I am scared to death. Scared of losing her a little bit more by the minute but so proud that she really wanted to go today. I know she was nervous, I didn't want her to mask it but I wanted to emphasize the excitement not the scary nature of it all. And so, when she woke up with a smile on her face, her eyes still closed and said softly, "it's a school day" I just smiled. Not a tear in my eyes so happy for her to want to know life outside of me. It's how I'll imagine I'll feel if she wants to travel far away someday. So excited, so nervous but mostly so proud of whoever she's becoming. Still, I had Jason drop her off so I didn't lose it completely. Ah well, there's only an hour and fourty six minutes to go to pick her up. Thatcher is sleeping, my second press of coffee has steeped, there are projects to be done, plenty of ways of distracting myself ahead. She'll be fine, she's Tessa for goodness sake.

Awake Asleep Awake

Awake... write a post. Check facebook, pinterest, email. Asleep... dream, shift, shuffle, pee. Does it matter? Morning will come and I'll want to sleep more, the kids will wake too early for me. Day will come with crepes and  laundry, dishes and a struggle to get everyone dressed. Why not take comfort in this silence but for the air conditioner I so strongly opposed? The rise and fall of the sheets over two sleeping beings next to me. Heads turned away from the glow, legs tangled, the smell of  sweet sweat in their hair. Tessa always wakes with a story of her dreams... Thatcher sneaks off the side of the bed. I stay, as long as I can, holding my breath and praying this never ends.

Go team!

I'm computerless, almost. I have this little flat iPad which is part wonderful conciliation and part terrific annoyance in it's frustrating touch screen keyboard... Not the least bit interesting or important enough for a blog post but here we are. I just got attacked in the eye by some large stinging bug. My left pinky toe is broken, I think, and have furthered the injury into the whole side of my foot by working on it and then walking all day through gritted teeth and moments of angry hysterics. Hello Friday the 13th. I am now relegated to the downstairs lacking tv and really comfort because everyone else is asleep and whatever. I'm slightly bitter, no kidding, and now my eye is severely stinging and swelling. The only bit of relief is the emotional vomiting I'm exercising here and now. In a few short words I am: Frustrated, restless, lonely, annoyed and probably a little buzzed off red wine I should most definitely not be drinking for the sake of the inevitable migraine I am to experience tomorrow am. There it is. Motherhood at it's finest.