To Hope For and To Leave Behind

 

A roaring fire, a glass of wine, Emmy Lou Harris and happy, giggling kids upstairs. It's a lovely way to end the old year. We had happy hour, just me and the kids; concocted some new dips, threw together some pantry finds and made up our lists for hopes and things to leave behind. Tessa would like to play shark more, to ride horses more, to learn an instrument perhaps a quitar she said.  Thatcher would like to go on a plane and learn to snowboard.  Tessa would like to leave behind regular Chex for the sake of cinnamin Chex, she would like to get more oppurtunities to love and care for animals. Thatcher, I believe, would like more chances to tell us what he would like.

My list was pretty simple:
1. Focus: on dreams, aspirations, projects.
2. Patience: for kids, for life, for myself.
3. A clearer voice: speak the truth, let my true needs be spoken.
4. Playfulness:  laugh more, pay attention and learn from silliness.
5. Prioritize: stop repeating days, live....

I can't recall all the things I burnt up on the paper of things to leave behind but I know judgement and comparison were pretty high and I know that list was too easy to come up with. Tessa added "busy-ness" and "vacuuming".  Hmmm. Priorities....

I'm not sure how to look at this year yet. Personally, I think it was pretty decent. It started out rocky, Jason and I had a hard time figuring out the balance between our jobs and what they meant to us personally. His is full of obligation and stress but also creativeness and an environment he thrives in. Mine is about having time to breathe, to make some extra cash to not feel guilty of my desires and also to be a person outside of "momhood". We're still working on it. I got a tattoo, my first at the age of 30, which was exciting and exhilarating and also seemed kind of odd.  It's a work in progress but it makes me feel like there's this artistic thing I'm developing and changing that's solely my own.  There were great trips to Rockport, Newport, Boothbay Harbor, Jason's big birthday in Burke, Tessa started kindergarten, Thatcher's big bash of a party, Cousin's weekend, the now annual Thanksgiving fiesta extravaganza, the arrival of chickens and the dimished flock (now down to one hardy soul), Tessa's riding lessons, my first trip away from the family ever to Chicago with my mom, Thatcher's speech therapy.... It's been a whirlwind that I can hardly recall in detail. Maybe my memory is not what it used to be, maybe the world is turning faster, maybe we're packing more in. Maybe it's just been a great year and we'll leave it at that. Maybe another year is coming and we'll just walk into it with hope and love and we'll be ok.