Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Trying

Tomorrow is Minnow's first birthday. A whole year has passed since he launched himself out of my body with the kind of determination that's becoming more and more apparent in his personality by the day. He's gone from a shrieking infant to a shrieking toddler in twelve short but exhausting months. As he runs the length of the kitchen and living room, legs still stout and stiff, mouth wide, two charging fists leading his way yelling a continual yell till he gets to you and guffaws. So proud of himself. So certain in what it is that he wants and when I fail to understand immediately what that thing is he shouts it out, twists and turns, trying with every inch of his body to communicate. I love it. I love his fierceness, his stubbornness, his undoubtable character. I love that he is already so much an individual and that I get to experience his making of himself. I get to be witness to his life. I am so blessed.

At the Celebration of Kristin's life saturday her mother spoke so eloquently of the blessing that Kristin bestowed upon her. To have been so lucky to have carried such a soul in her womb, to have grown with her, to have been given the chance to love and be loved by someone so special was such a blessing to her. In the middle of what will be her life's tragedy Maria spoke of being blessed. She was the strongest I've ever seen anyone and it shook me. It scared me that I may not be that strong. That I can't seem to find a way to lighten my heart. The idea of celebrating anything right now seems so difficult. I should be planning what kind of cake to make tomorrow, I should be wrapping a gift I've yet to buy, I should be humming happy birthday and remembering the beautiful moment I laid eyes on my Thatcher for the first time. And yet every thought I have is tainted with sorrow, with regret, with fear. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to be strong like Maria because I do recognize how lucky and blessed and fortunate I am to have these children to love. But death is hanging on my heart, it's strangling me every time I try to smile.

So I add guilt to this mourning mix. I'm sorry Minnow that your first birthday is singed with my sadness. I'm sorry Bean that I can't give you the attention you deserve, my mind is a million miles away but this love doesn't leave you for an instant.

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